(a glimpse at one of my new paintings)
I've been wrestling over what to write about lately. It's funny, the last thing I wrote on this blog was about how high on life and happy I was feeling, but shortly after, everything fell quiet again. Not that anything particularly bad was going on. I just felt... quiet.
Every now and then, I retreat into a cave within myself, perhaps to prepare for the rest of my life. It's mostly just a time to process where things stand and where I want them to go next. Sort of a moment in time that exists between the other times. In part I suppose I do become paralyzed. I don't want to make any one choice or be public with any of my ideas because I'm not sure I want to commit to them.
When I sense big changes coming, I get antsy. I handle change pretty well, but I hate waiting. It's a definite loss of control, which bothers me. Waiting is the worst part. Once the changes start flooding in, we're usually good to go. Then I have something to work with. So I think a lot, and wait.
On the flip side, I have been incredibly active too. I've been painting. I have 5 new paintings more than halfway done. One has been varnished. And I'm actually really excited about this whole collection. I know I say that about each new year's collection, but it's always true. I love what I'm doing right now. It's a very peaceful, meditative shift in my work.
Perhaps that's related to all the meditation I've been doing. In February I was inspired to take up a regular meditation practice. I set a goal to do 50 days in a row. I've completed that. Now I meditate almost every day, often twice a day. It's been incredibly beneficial, in ways that generally wouldn't make sense to the outside world. Meditation is, at its core, a very inward, personal experience.
The last time I was in a regular mediation practice, 8 years ago, I decided to pursue a career in Art.
The benefits of regular meditation can be potent. I would call it a spiritual experience, but it doesn't necessarily mean that to everyone. It can be gloriously practical too. At the very least, I'm sleeping better, and I feel much less anxious about absolutely everything.
I'm also going to Krav Maga class more than ever. I've increased my time there to 4 hours over three days each week. By summer I want to do 6 hours over four days. I am totally in love with it. I love the bruises I get, I love how sore I am (constantly), I even love the scar I'm developing on my right hand, a souvenir from punching incorrectly.
Between all the fighting and meditation, I feel a bit like I'm living the life of a badass monk.
All in all, it's been a weird couple of months. I've been very active, but very pensive. Just this week I've felt the tide turning. I think I'm feeling less strained and vulnerable because small changes are beginning to happen. For me, it's a relief.
Now I can get on with my life.