There and Back Again . 24x36 . 2013

Well, here we are. Again. 

1. natural lighting

2. interior lighting

3. mixed uv (black) and interior lighting

4. uv lighting only

5. no light (glow in the dark)

Ingredients: acrylic, sand, crushed glass, glass beads, pebbles, crushed garnet, phosphorescent pigments, water & light on canvas. 

When I was first asked to paint The Shire in 2011, I found the idea a little intimidating. It's the freaking Shire.  And who was I to try and reinvent something that was written so well that so many hold dear? But, as I started, I got to thinking..... The Shire... The light. The sky. The color. The joy and serenity and wonder of it all. The MAGIC. Wait a second. I was BORN to paint the Shire! And I truly loved doing it so much that I kinda wished I'd be able to again. But, ya know, I generally stick to my circles and time went on and well, anyway..... that was then. 

But things circle around, and this year another fellow LoTR fan contacted me to express interest in me revisiting the Shire. WHAT?! A trip back to Middle-earth? TO THE SHIRE?! UM YES. And thank you kindly for asking.

What I learned while painting The Shire the first time was that it felt more like a state of mind than acrylic arranged on canvas. The Shire made ME happy to paint. I wanted to live there too, and for a short time while painting it, I was able to. I think we all have a place in our hearts that make us feel that way. Our own personal Shire. For me, it's probably Hawaii. The light sparkles differently, the water is crystal clear, the colors are more saturated than anything I've ever seen. I just feel at peace there. And that's really what the Shire is, I think, relative to the rest of Middle-earth. It's everyone's happy place. The place you NEED to know exists in the world because it balances all the rest. It makes the daily hardships of life just a little bit easier to handle. We can all close our eyes, and whenever we want, be in that place. In the Shire.

Or, if you're lucky like me, you get to be there up close and personal for a time, or like Ray, the owner of this painting, whenever he feels like looking up at it. It was an honor for me to visit there again. I hope it's not the last time either. I'm a convert. I'm a Shire addict.  

I try not to play favorites with my own paintings, because I change my mind often, and generally evolve my opinions over the course of years in my career. But let's just say I had more appreciation and reverence for what I was doing this time around, and the process meant much more to me. It was emotional, and serendipitous, as I really needed to escape a few dark places in my own mind for time. I needed to rebalance. I needed to be surrounded by that indescribable light and magic.

I love this painting. 

The Art of Initiative

Talent does not begat initiative. Neither does intelligence. Confidence doesn't either, although all of the above are helpful if you have...

Finess? Maybe.

The more people I meet in the art world (hell.. in life), the more I am inspired and disheartened. There are a lot of people out there -- have you been outside lately? Wow. But I guess there's a modicum of balance in that too; meaning, for every inspiring person you meet of course there's going to be a few who disappoint. 

Mayhaps I get ahead of myself. Traditionally I have little patience for people I don't like. That's my fault.

I begin the process of show planning again, this time with a new set of eyes and ideas which will hopefully result in a show that is as fun as I expect it to be. I adore working with people who dream big, are hip to modern art-world ways, and who expect success. I'm really excited about this show. My interest in my art and myself dwindled there for a second, but I feel downright enthusiastic again. I'm happy to have a sounding board outside my own head. Collaboration is so important. 

As are like-minded individuals. Which I feel like I have. Phew. It's really such a great feeling to be around people who want to support each other and work hard together.

I wish I had more tolerance for everybody else. 

I feel so indignant when I run into artists with bored, entitled attitudes. People who wish to be heard but can't listen. People who offer up contrary opinions but no solutions. Loud sighs, never-ending objections. Egocentric dispositions. Criticism, negativity, self-indulgent apathy.

You can hipster your way right out of a successful life.

And for what, really? To win discussions? To appear smart? To seem cool? Okay. If that's seriously what you dig in life. Get drunk with all that hipster power.

The thing is, I guess I used to be that person. Ten years ago I was given an opportunity to share my opinions with a larger group of (far wiser) people, and I absolutely took it. I was more interested in my opinion than how my opinion sounded out loud. I hadn't yet experienced hard work or discipline. I was just snarky and feisty. Thankfully these people saw a potential in me that I didn't know I had. They listened. They looked past my hipsterism and encouraged me to grow. These people changed my life. If not for these people, I'd still be that person.

On the other hand, I'm definitely not as wise and patient as I could be. Maybe I'm not old enough, maybe I don't yet have the experience and confidence to outweigh the baseless opinions of another who just wants to be recognized for his or her own potential. We're all just growing into ourselves, right?

I just wish it could be done with a little more enthusiasm. A splash of positive, sparkling energy. It's kind of sad and pathetic that so many in our society apparently value sour attitudes and false confidence. If presentation is everything, we can do a damn better job at presenting ourselves as cool and smart. The person who has the confidence to encourage others' ideas and foster creativity rather than having to snark all over it is the one who looks truly wise. 

One day I hope to be that person.

Hanami . 30x90 inches. 2012

Hanami is a triptych: three 30x30 inch canvases, stretched over wooden support beams, with 1.5 inch sides, painted black.​

1. natural light

​2. artificial/interior light

​3. mixed interior and uv (black) light

​4. uv (black) light only

​5. no light (glow in the dark)

[Made with acrylic, sand, glass, phosphorescent pigments, water & light on canvas.]

 

I am having a Japanese trip-out. 

Two years ago we were there, in perfect time for Hanami (flower viewing) -- The brief but glorious two week period of time when cherry and plum trees bloom all over Japan. It's like springtime snow. MADE OF FLOWERS. Pretty much one of the most amazing things I've ever experienced. 

In this short time, the trees put forth buds, bloom fully, and then float away casually in the breeze, filling the air with blossoms. Actually it's even way better than I could ever make it sound. This painting represents all three stages - the first just blooming, the second in full bloom, and the third showing the flowers beginning their departure from the trees, swirling lightly to the ground.

At five centimeters per second, apparently. ccording to this anime movie, anyway, called 5 Centimeters Per Second, which we watched last week and is one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen on screen. Holy saturated light and color. Absolutely stunning. 

Watch it in English here.

Watch it in Japanese here.

(We watched it in Japanese, which I highly recommend, because Japanese is amazing to listen to.)

Ironically it's Sakura Season again in Japan right now. I can feel the anticipation nd excitement all the way from here. I wish I was there, but then again, I always do. At some point I will be again. Everything seems to move in cycles.

So it's kind of fortuitous that Hanami ended up being the final painting from last year that I have still to show you. So many memories, so much opportunity budding on the horizon. Truly, it was just a happy coincidence. But my mind is turning to sakura smoosh either way. And I'm okay with that.

Springtime has such a profound effect on us. The regenerative properties seem quite emotional in root, at least this year, at least for me. I'm thrilled to experience the newness, new life, clearer skies, clearer thoughts. There is much hope and possibility. We can start fresh, begin again. Do I feel like this every year? I can't be sure, but I know that I am appreciating my life more nowadays. That's really all that matters. 

Hanami is $4500. Email me to discuss a payment plan suitable for your needs. --SOLD!

Coalesce . 30x40 . 2012

​1. natural light

​2. artificial/interior light

​3. interior and uv (black) light combined

​4. uv (black) light only

​5. no light (glow in the dark)

[Made with acrylic, sand, glass, phosphorescent pigments, water & light on canvas.]

Coalesce. To grow together; to blend together; to unite so as to form one mass.

Isn't it funny the way things work out?

Ideally, it's the result of everything in life flowing together as it should. If we allow our lives to carry us along while making conscious effort to follow whatever innate sense of personal direction we have, we (hopefully) will arrive at the destination that is uniquely created for us.

It's not an easy concept though, as I may have blathered about in a previous blog. It's a lot of conscious, mental work. Passivity has no place here.

We tend to shift between laziness and manipulation, trying to force things to happen or else refusing responsibility for it. We're control freaks. We seek control of everything - of each other, of our outcomes, of how others view us. We want it to be the way we want it to be, and if it isn't -- well, it's just not our fault. We're weak, we're busy, we're tired, we're broken. Worse, we blame everyone else. Insert your favorite excuse here. I like to claim confusion a lot. Option-paralysis. 

In the healthier versions of ourselves, we might see these moments (and our shortcomings) as an opportunity to explore humility. We might find enlightenment in the powerlessness of our very human capabilities. We might embrace our helplessness and seek to grow.

I always like to envision how solar systems form, out of an explosion of matter, all slowly gathering together over time to eventually move along in beautiful circular orbits around a central point. Simultaneously, everything within our universe moves farther and farther away from itself while these mini systems coalesce. Dirty and messy and deadly and seemingly erratic, yet ultimately all flowing as one.

Like life itself.​

Usually, hopefully, as if by magic, as though it was always supposed to be that way, things work out. Many times we feel absolutely aimless only to look back and rejoice at how fated, synchronistic, or 'divinely inspired' certain events were. Perhaps. Pure coincidence can be just as exciting. Our perspective is really all that matters. Whatever pushes us forward to where we're supposed to be. Circumstances change quickly. The only control we have in life is how we react to them. Denying moments such as these, or attempting to force them to fit into our hardened will equals death. 

True wisdom is recognizing when we're given an opportunity to Live, and taking it.

Coalesce is $2400. Email me to chat about it or discuss payment options. Installment plans are always happily accepted. :)​

In the flow or growing mold?

intheflow_shaylamaddox_blog.JPG

I guess I've been feeling inclined to write again. Sometimes I have so much to say that all the words get jumbled inside my brain and formatting text becomes impossible. At the same time, without an adequate channel for my thoughts, they bind themselves up and clog everything else. I'm an artist. I need outlets.

I've been pondering the concept of passivity in life, which is ironic since of late I've chosen the route of not doing things out of some inane bullshit belief that the "flow" of it all would answer it for me, which of course it never does and I find myself with less ability to make choices in the first place. In fact, I've delayed on publishing this for awhile now because I keep worrying someone will take it personally only to find another someone who might take it personally and so on and so forth until this concern proves my very point in writing it to begin with: I'm being passive. 

I think I've realized lately that "passivity" is often just a fancy way of saying fear. Fear of change, fear of work, fear of the unknown. Fear of making choices. People try to spin it, sugarcoat it, turn it into something a little nicer sounding, but it's still just fear.

People have way too much influence if you let them. 

The silliest (and perhaps most detrimental) spin on passivity is when people believe they're actually moving, growing, or changing by "allowing" life to lead them when in actuality they refuse to be moved at all. It's self-deception, pure and simple. The world passes by, everyone else changes, but there you are, sitting where you were ten years ago, spouting the same nonsense you went on about then. You're not flowing with the water. You're stuck in the mud, rooting yourself into the earth because you're too hardened and rigid for the water to take you anywhere. What flow?? I see nothing but a stagnant puddle. I see mold. 

Dangerous, creepy mold, and it will spread and attach itself to you if you don't flow right past it. Which ultimately is what I want in life and ultimately where this reminder comes from. It's for me. I know too many who've become mentally paralyzed while the rest of everything passes by. People come and go, flying past in blurry succession as you watch. As you age. 

To be honest, I'm trying to summon a bit of fire here. I need it. I forgot that true flow requires conscious effort to stay on course (or get back on it), to keep going, to never stop. I forgot that purpose and direction are actions, not passive beliefs. I have witnessed the slow, sad dwindling of life from those who are too stuck to truly flow; to truly LIVE. And it terrifies me.

So, here we are. Nowhere to go but through. And I'm not waiting for you.

Twitter Art Exhibit

Here's the piece I submitted for this year's Twitter Art Exhibit

natural light

interior and uv light combined

uv (black) light only

no light (glow in the dark)

This 4x6 card is a fully Light Reactive original painting.

[Made with acrylic, phosphorescent pigments, and crushed glass on postcard paper.]

It is $42, which includes Priority Mail. Find my name on this page listing artists whose last name begins with M. - All proceeds go to Art Division -- a nonprofit organization which mentors underserved young adults (18-25) in the Rampart district of Los Angeles in preparation for careers in the visual arts.

This is a very rare opportunity to pick up an original painting of mine for just $42! And for a great cause!

Thanks so much! :)

Balance . 48x30 inches . 2012

1. natural light

2. artificial/interior light

3. interior and uv (black) light combined

4. uv (black) light only

5. no light (glow in the dark)

[Made with acrylic, sand, glass, phosphorescent pigments, varnish, water & light on canvas.]

I wish I were the type of person that remained at a steady even level in all things without a lot of variance, but it just isn't so. I work more on a back-and-forth, swinging between extremes, living in moments of chaos and times of calm. In a way, that's pretty consistent. Depending on when and how you run into me in life, you'll find me either to be pretty mellow and easy-going or a bit snarky, worried, and closed off. Actually I'm pretty snarky regardless. But I snark out of love. Sometimes.

To know me for any great length of time, you've probably experienced both, in waves. I generally like to stay closed off for as long as possible, then burst out with a lot of the emotion I've been withholding, only to close off again. It's a constant balancing act, searching for the middle, that place of steadiness. 

But, in all honestly, I'm not sure that steadiness would make for a very interesting me. Art is born out of emotions and experiences, good and bad. To have neither wouldn't give me much to draw on, and certainly wouldn't provide motivation and stimulus to create compelling work out of nothing. It wouldn't give me much to even think on, to process through, to explore in myself. 

People who project total balance strike me as kinda boring and, well, kinda fake. To know one's faults, or at least that one has them is what make the triumphs and inventions have depth, and color, and texture. Be real about it. I hate when people speak of their only faults as being "too nice," or "too passive," or "loving too much." Come on. You're not a robot. Unless you are.  

Presentation is everything, I do believe that. But part of presenting yourself eloquently is balancing the good with the bad in an honest, poetic, dynamic way. Don't hide behind an illusion because you're too afraid to face anything short of all-knowing perfection. 

Show me your wisdom. Show me your dark side. Show me your truth. That's what makes for beauty. Mistakes or not, the rest is just a waste of time. 

Balance is $2600 (+ 300 shipping.) Email me to discuss a totally negotiable and workable payment plan.

:)

 

Frequency . 40x30 inches . 2012

1. natural light

2. artificial/interior light

3. interior and uv (black) light combined

4. uv (black) light only

5. no light (glow in the dark)

[Made with acrylic and phosphorescent pigments on canvas.]

...... and we're back.

Hi!

So now that it's 2013 I thought I should introduce my 2012 collection. Well timed, no? 

This one is Frequency, and I think my own personal favorite of the entire collection. For a piece that has so much going on, it's one of the most Zen painting experiences I've had. I opted for simplicity in materials - just acrylic and glow pigments - to be made up for in HOLY SNAP HOW MANY CIRCLES IS THAT?

Well, I'm glad you asked.

After a bit of math, I have calculated there are 840 circles, and -- wait for it: 159,000 dots.

Approximately.

What am I, crazy?! Well some people seem to think so, and I figured I might as well capitalize on insanity by funneling my superpowers into circles and dots.

For the moment. 

Actually there's another painting coming up that might have more dots but I have no easy scientific way of calculating them as I did this one (the magic of grids) so we're just going to ignore that for now and you can judge it when you see it.

In my daily painting schedule, I really do love nothing more than sitting on the ground, burning incense, listening to music and blissing out on meditative dotting. I don't have to think about anything other than dots. It requires intense concentration, yet leaves me feeling very relaxed and happy. Minus the painful neck and shoulders, but eh, we must suffer for our art, am I right?

Totally worth it.

This painting is $2400. Email me. Payment plans are always accepted. But, fair warning, I might cry a little when it leaves my home, so make sure to invite me over occasionally after you hang it up! :)

 

 

 

 

 

 

Actually, I *have* been updating, thankyouverymuch. :)

Hi.

The funny thing is, despite numerous people approaching me and asking if I'm doing anything anymore since my blog hasn't been updated in months, I feel I've been rather communicative. Just not on the blog. Or in writing in general.

I haven't really felt like writing anything.

Ironically, I've been reading a lot.

But specifically, I've fallen into the Instagram tunnel, and more and more I find great satisfaction "talking" about my life through photos. It's so visual. And allows for creative expression in a way that's generally more my style.

I suppose I should have told you, but I wasn't sure until now how you could follow along unless you were on Instagram. (Which I highly encourage by the way. I play with Instagram the way other people play with games on their phones. It's addictive and wonderful.)

Eventually I hope to strike a balance between the two, written and visual expression, but for the moment I'm feeling obsessed with the visual, so that's where I'll be putting energy. Gotta go with the Flow, ya know?

Fortunately, I just found out that I could connect Instagram and Tumblr, so if you care, check out my tumblr site to see the zillions of photos I've posted in the last couple of months. I'll keep updating it as I go now.

But, for the record, I have been busy with art.


(Thanks to my homeboy Travis Tanner for this Instagram shot. And the flattering angle.)

The group show I was in last week was kinda awesome. I loooove alternative galleries, especially when the gallery owners are also awesome and have exciting, progressive plans for the future of their space. I can't wait to work with them again in the future.

And I still have my big solo show coming up at Studio C. If you're anywhere in Southern California, you really MUST stop by and say hi. This will be my biggest show and most complete collection since March 2011. It'll be a party. Art. Wine. Chatting.

I'm in painting mode right now, preparing. I'm redesigning my website. I have a few additional show opportunities in the works. I've also been making plans, making friends, being active, and looking forward to wherever it is I'm going. Which, at the very least, includes Ireland in November.

So, you know. Keep an eye out. I'm totally here.

Two shows! The show before the show! Wooo!

Last minute opportunity to preview this year's collection before my solo show!

I'll be participating in an awesome group show focusing on female artists in Los Angeles. Hooray! There will be three never before seen paintings of mine, and you'll get a fun glimpse into my full collection, on display at my big show this October.

I'd love if you can make it to both, but I'm happy to see you at either!


Friday, August 10th from 6-11pm @

4 elements Art Gallery
2450 Daly St. #2
Los Angeles, CA 90031

Please stop by and check out this awesome loft gallery space! I'm super honored to be a part of this. :)

Kauai's Hindu Monastery and being Hindu-Curious



I'm not sure what it is that makes me love Kauai's Hindu Monastery so much. It's a million tiny little things combined with the obvious fact that it sits on one of the most glorious spots in Kauai. But, well, all of Kauai is gorgeous. So let's call that part moot.

Truthfully, it's one of my very favorites places to be in all of Hawaii.

I love the cleansing act of writing out my wishes, my concerns, my prayers on a piece of paper and then burning it in the fire pit right as you enter. I love the incense burning throughout. I love wandering around the grounds, looking at the amazing trees and flowers. I love the expressions on the monks' faces, something of pure peace and joy that I don't see in other people. I love when a monk stops to check his iPhone, one of the few worldly possessions they are given upon joining the monastery, in order to help them stay connected to the world outside in a way that benefits their community. I love the heartfelt way each monk greets you with a bow and a Namaste, and I love the feeling I have when returning it.


When I was about 11, I lived with a (converted) Hindu family for a time, and when I wasn't living there, I spent all my time there. Their home was a lovely oasis. The grounds were set in the middle of the baking, awful Sky Valley desert, somewhere between Desert Hot Springs and Joshua Tree, about a mile into the nothingness behind the commune-sort-of-place I lived on at the time. (We'll save that particular story for later.) I hate the desert with a passionate fury. But, this house, this family.... I felt nothing but joy and peace to be there. From the moment you walked in the front gate, it was shaded with gigantic, beautiful trees, blocking the sun out entirely. If you survived the boisterous welcome of their Akita dog, who stood on two legs to say hello, the front door/sunroom greeted you with the somewhat humid air from their indoor swamp cooler, heavily scented with a glorious incense that I still burn to this day. It was a big house, draped in fabric and beads and crystals, with glass bottles of water purifying on the windowsills and ferns hanging in all the corners. There was an aviary connected to one of the rooms, providing shade, food, and water to hundreds of doves that were passing through the area. The cooing of the doves was a serene background noise. There was a giant trampoline in the yard, which we slept on during certain nights and watched the stars and counted satellites that passed overhead. There was a large greenhouse in back, which I loved because of all the plants growing, and was educated on different ways to transplant basil and other fragrant herbs, which were then brought inside for cooking and medicinal purposes. One of my biggest dreams in life is having my own greenhouse.

They often spoke of their time in India, and of their guru, whose name and story I will never remember, but whose young face sticks with me. It was difficult for me to comprehend why her picture was throughout the house, and why they showed such appreciation for someone so young. They were vegetarian, and I became vegetarian (for the following decade) because of them. Occasionally the daughter, who was my age, would take time out of our day to meditate. I was never encouraged to participate, because meditation is a private, personal thing, and I never felt the slightest bit of pressure to involve myself in any of their daily practices, a significant difference from certain other belief systems I had also been influenced by. I found this difference refreshing, and it was impossible not to respect their methods.

I miss them and this place greatly, and I wish for an opportunity someday to inform them of the wonderful influence they had on me, and how much I treasure all the experiences I had there.



Because of this, in a way, I feel quite at home on the Kauai temple grounds. I fit in quite naturally. It revives a lot of happy memories for me, and allows me to explore my own continued path as it evolves over time. I always take away something profound from my visits, and just like my time with my Hindu friends as a child, there is no pressure to be anything I'm not. It's a place to just be.

That freedom allows for a much deeper spiritual connection within myself and my own beliefs than almost every other house of worship I have ever been in.

On our last trip to Kauai, we spent multiple mornings there, participating in the daily puja as observers, and meditating with everyone inside the inner temple as the monks chanted, collected the offerings of flowers left by visitors, and filled the room with an even more intense incense. It always feels like such an honor to be there, and I have nothing but reverence for everyone involved, monks and pilgrims alike. My own meditation in the temple is always blissful, and I spend a lot of time just sitting and looking at everything, absorbing the wonderful scents and feelings of peace as much as I can before the mosquito bites win out over my concentration. Sometimes I think the mosquitos are trained to kick you out if you've stayed too long, to give others a chance to have the same experience. That's fair. I am always free to return the next day.

At some point, I'd love to spend enough time in Kauai near the Hindu temple to make this experience regular and consistent. I'd also love to make friends with the monks in such a way that I'll be invited to share in whatever gloriously delicious food they're obviously cooking in the back. It's mouthwatering.

It just feels right to be there, at least occasionally. I feel centered within myself, and my own spiritual enlightenment is furthered by nothing more than my interest in learning and experiencing life outside of my daily world.


Namaste.

Slow Dusk . 36x24 . 2012

1. natural light
2. artificial/interior light

3. interior and uv (black) lighting combined

4. uv (black) light only

5. no light (glow in the dark)

Ingredients: acrylic, phosphorescent pigments, crushed glass, glass beads, varnish, water & light on canvas.

*Viewed from straight on, the full moon has a silvery quality. Viewed from the right or left, the color shifts from greenish to blue. The moon crescent sparkles dramatically.

Although this painting is not intended to be part of a set with my last painting, they are most definitely connected. I'm pretty sure I could trace a dialogue between each new piece I've made since I began painting. I'm curious to see how that unfolds further when my career spans decades. It will be interesting to glimpse the long term evolution of my inspiration and techniques.

At the moment, I'm exploring teal. Odd, you're thinking, since this painting doesn't scream teal at all. Actually, what I did here was focus on teal as an iridescent quality. Though the piece itself ranges from blue to purple, as you walk around it in real life, the moon gives off a green-blue color. It requires one to interact with it in order to fully experience the color and light.

In essence, that's a huge factor in what I'm doing with all my work. I want the viewer to observe the art in a deeper way than just standing in front of it. When people come to shows, I encourage them to look at each painting from different points all over the room. Look at it close up, look at it from the right, from the left. Stand on the other side of the room and see how it changes.

What I can never demonstrate online is how a painting looks over time. As the seasons change, the sun is at a different point in the sky and the light even seems to change in hue. I've heard from collectors months and years after a painting was first hung in their home that they noticed something new about it, or a different lightbulb in the room caused a totally different aspect of the painting to come out.

Sometimes it seems like the painting keeps working on itself after I'm done with it. Maybe it's alive?

I like to think so anyway.

You'll have an opportunity to view this piece in person at my show later this year. :)

If you're interested in owning this painting, please contact me. - SOLD :)

 

Tranquility . 36x24 inches . 2012

1. natural light

2. artificial/interior light

3. interior and uv (black) light combined
4. uv (black) light only

5. no light (glow in the dark)

[Made with acrylic, phosphorescent pigments, crushed glass, varnish, water & light on canvas.]

Tranquility. A beautiful, melodious, serene, wonderful word. I think it's my favorite word.

I've been saving it, holding onto it as a painting title for many years, waiting for the right opportunity. I didn't know that there would ever necessarily be one, and I wasn't sure I would recognize it when it came.

But it's here.

A few months ago when I was in the middle of working on this piece, I knew I felt the word pulling on me. I knew it because of the distinct sense of tranquility I felt while looking at it. It hits all the right notes for me. The color is everything I want to surround my world in. I want to dive from a cliff gracefully into a pool of this liquid, immersing myself fully in the soothing feelings that wash over me while looking at it.

At the moment, it's what I see when I meditate.

I debate whether I will be able to let this painting go from my life. But I also realize, and accept, that my artwork in physical form is not for me. It's for you. No matter where it goes, it will always remain within me, and I have more inside waiting to come out. It will have a much higher purpose if I let it wander its way throughout the universe away from me. I don't need it nearby to create the feeling I see in it. I am this painting.

My hope is for the tranquility of this piece to grow, casting a wider net than I ever could keeping it inside, hoarding the dream for myself. If even one other person feels as strongly about it as I do, the tranquility of it has spread further. It belongs to someone else, maybe a few people, maybe the whole world. Art is so powerful. I want the universe to take it and run.

And if that allows more of me to open up and find even greater peace and serenity in my art than I do now, how perfect my life will be.

If you are interested in owning this painting, please get in touch.

I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now.

(title: lyrics from Bittersweet Symphony. Obviously.)



I've definitely been in a mood lately. Solemn. Serious. Contemplative. Pensive.

"Pensive" was the word used to describe the mood Colin, myself, and two of our friends were in one night shortly before we officially broke up as friends. It was clear we'd passed the point of reconciliation, but none of us were yet admitting out loud that it was over and done with. A 5th friend had us over for dinner and had briefly left the room. We were left in silence, none of us willing to be the first to make noise. The oldest and wisest among us finally broke the silence with, "My, don't we all seem pensive this evening." It's the last thing I actually remember hearing him say. And that was five years ago now.

The word has stuck with me.

Taking a longer break than usual between collections has had an interesting (if not entirely positive) effect on me. I had an incredibly weird year last year, and I wanted time to process it. I think I miscalculated something. The lack of creating seems to have made it harder to process anything. And it should have been obvious. I am nothing if not one who processes life through art.

A few nights ago I had a not-so-great training session at Krav Maga. I've been going four nights a week. It's tiring. It's especially tiring after 2 hours on a Monday, especially when that two hours extends to nearly three. It was an advanced class, my arms were shaking from the first class, and mental exhaustion was overtaking me. I was having trouble grasping a technique. My partner seemed annoyed with me. Instructors began hovering around me with intent to help and from my perspective, they looked annoyed and frustrated too. I wasn't getting it. Just last week I had been asked to help demonstrate something to the rest of the class after performing it well in front of my teacher, and now I was watching all confidence he had in me drain from his eyes.

Or at least that's how I saw it. Nothing worked. No one was able to help me. I just sucked. And I began to panic. I had to seriously talk myself down. I was momentarily convinced I would either drop dead to the ground from exhaustion or burst into tears in front of ten giant men. All I had to do was survive until class was over, then I could get outside to die or cry, or both.

I survived, barely. Having left on such a low note, I only had a few choices available to remedy my situation. A) I would definitely show up to class the next day, and B) I was going to sign up for belt testing in June.

It was a very get-back-on-the-horse sort of situation. It was hard not to see this as a metaphor for life. There are people whose lives seem to vacillate between bad and worse, a reflection of their choices and outlook. People who fall and cry, and slowly climb back to the place they were right before falling, never higher, never daring to reach beyond misery.

I am not one of those people. I stubbornly refuse.

My life might have lows, but it will be filled with mostly highs, mostly great, wondrous, impossible highs and I am going to make sure of it.

So now my personal art season begins again. I will be unveiling the first new painting of my 2012 collection this Saturday. It's great, the perfect painting to start my "new" year, to show you who I am and who I've become over the last year.

For all my pensiveness, this collection is surprisingly positive. I would even say uplifting. Perhaps my way of dealing with myself was to reach inside and pull out every single bit of who I wanted to be. I don't often explore darkness, which isn't a sign that it doesn't exist within me. In fact, I think I make my art very intentionally positive as some sort of cure or medicine for things that I fear. I paint what I want the universe to look like, the way I know deep down that it is, that it must be.

I want to always create beauty. I want to always be surrounded by it. I do not believe that the world could ever have too much of it. There are plenty of other people who put darkness into the world, either with their art or with their lives. They can have it.

If my dharma, my purpose in life, is nothing more than creating instances of beauty whenever and wherever I can, I would feel truly honored indeed.



Colinbot

This is worth repeating, for those of you who've already seen this.

During the 90s, I had two major crushes: Ralph Fiennes and Goran Visnjic. Ralph was my true love, who held my heart from age 12 on. Goran came in much later when I was expanding my horizons a little.

Both were enough to last a teenage girl through a whole decade.

Then, in 2001, I met someone else.....................................

BUT WAIT! Holy snap, how did I do that?!


(Goralphin, Goran, Ralph, Colin)
(For the record, the only part of Colin used in that first picture is the goatee.)


I mean, seriously. That's just creepy.

But I'm certainly not complaining. ;)

The Easter Turtle

My Mom is funny and every year sets up an elaborate Easter Egg hunt in the backyard for Colin and I. She's crafty about it too-- Green and brown eggs hidden in plants, yellow eggs hanging on the lemon tree. Colin won this year, although in my defense, I did sacrifice a few minutes of the hunt to fish a jelly bean out of the mouth of my Mom's puppy. But I'm not complaining, I earned myself a good seven bucks and two bags of candy with that hunt.

The REAL Easter fun came when we were each presented with a special egg, and told to put it in water. Over the next week, this happened:





Honu! :oO Hooray!


:)


Quiet Time and The Rumblings of Something Great

(a glimpse at one of my new paintings)


I've been wrestling over what to write about lately. It's funny, the last thing I wrote on this blog was about how high on life and happy I was feeling, but shortly after, everything fell quiet again. Not that anything particularly bad was going on. I just felt... quiet.

Every now and then, I retreat into a cave within myself, perhaps to prepare for the rest of my life. It's mostly just a time to process where things stand and where I want them to go next. Sort of a moment in time that exists between the other times. In part I suppose I do become paralyzed. I don't want to make any one choice or be public with any of my ideas because I'm not sure I want to commit to them.

When I sense big changes coming, I get antsy. I handle change pretty well, but I hate waiting. It's a definite loss of control, which bothers me. Waiting is the worst part. Once the changes start flooding in, we're usually good to go. Then I have something to work with. So I think a lot, and wait.

On the flip side, I have been incredibly active too. I've been painting. I have 5 new paintings more than halfway done. One has been varnished. And I'm actually really excited about this whole collection. I know I say that about each new year's collection, but it's always true. I love what I'm doing right now. It's a very peaceful, meditative shift in my work.

Perhaps that's related to all the meditation I've been doing. In February I was inspired to take up a regular meditation practice. I set a goal to do 50 days in a row. I've completed that. Now I meditate almost every day, often twice a day. It's been incredibly beneficial, in ways that generally wouldn't make sense to the outside world. Meditation is, at its core, a very inward, personal experience.

The last time I was in a regular mediation practice, 8 years ago, I decided to pursue a career in Art.

The benefits of regular meditation can be potent. I would call it a spiritual experience, but it doesn't necessarily mean that to everyone. It can be gloriously practical too. At the very least, I'm sleeping better, and I feel much less anxious about absolutely everything.

I'm also going to Krav Maga class more than ever. I've increased my time there to 4 hours over three days each week. By summer I want to do 6 hours over four days. I am totally in love with it. I love the bruises I get, I love how sore I am (constantly), I even love the scar I'm developing on my right hand, a souvenir from punching incorrectly.

Between all the fighting and meditation, I feel a bit like I'm living the life of a badass monk.

All in all, it's been a weird couple of months. I've been very active, but very pensive. Just this week I've felt the tide turning. I think I'm feeling less strained and vulnerable because small changes are beginning to happen. For me, it's a relief.

Now I can get on with my life.